wondering..

Another month passed by after my last post. I like to write diary yet never successful to do so cos "busy". I'm still busy now because of my FYP. It's due April 3 and my viva will be on 9 April. I'm busy like hell after Chinese New Year break. Never have a chance to rest and stop my work.

Today, i finish my methodology and result & discussion part though i have problem in my design, waiting to ask my supervisor. However, he didn't come to school. Waiting for an hour, end up back to room disappointingly. Finally i take some time to rest my mind and reflect about my present life. I'm sad because it's not the life that God favours. Everyday i wake up i start to do my FYP until i sleep at night. I didn't talk to my room mates for long time. Seldom join my course mates for lunch... My whole world is just my FYP. Is it bigger than everything? I'm frustrated a lot of time because of this. I know i'm limited and not clever. It's really challenging in doing this FYP. So i make up my mind i wont further my studies.

Really thank God for church prayer meet on every Thursday. God really bless this prayer meet. Every time i come to prayer with weary heart, body and mind but when i go back i'm refresh and regain strength, joy and peace. In the presence of God, nothing we can hide from Him. Our sins, our burden, our regrets... He knows everything. When i open up to Him, He heals me and lifts me up again. Thank you Lord. Tonite, we share about how to enhance relationship with one another in church. Pastor challenged me to go visit some of the aunties though i've only 1 month left here. It's one of my regrets for not building good relationship with aunties and uncles here. I used to think that i'm just a pilgrim that will leave here one day. This day is going to come soon. But i feel hard to leave here. How am i going to spend the rest of my time here? Just leave like tat, keep on busy with my FYP and viva? or step out from my comfort zone to care for others? What can i do to bless others? Lord, is it too late? I'm running out of time... Teach me and guide me O Lord...

january 2009

2009年已经进入二月份了。时间过得真快，转眼间华人新年也即将结束。假期也过完了，是时候继续为学业奋斗。时间也不多，再过两三个月就要毕业了。

回顾上个月，有开心，也有不开心的日子。然而，大部分的时间我都忙于FYP。以此为借口，逃避自己的个人问题，埋头为FYP打拼。我知道我的问题，只是走不出来。在做FYP的当儿，身心灵都很疲惫。每天几乎“早出晚归”，意思是我在学校的时间超过8个钟。每每回到房，只想休息。还好，身体的健康没出状况，但属灵方面却亮了红灯。

忙碌的学生生活让我无法花时间亲近神，也懒得翻圣经。当灵命出问题时，个人的情绪就很容易波动，再加上肉体的疲惫，就跌入了试探中。有一段时间，觉得活着很辛苦很没意义。我有永生那又如何呢？今生的痛苦该怎么过？若我死了就一了百了，永生又有何益处？死后我还懂我是谁吗？为什么我会来到这世界上？若我不来就不会面对这一切。许多的疑问，许多的重担压着我，是我负荷不来的。我开始怀疑神的存在，神在我身上的旨意。活着难道就是为功课？我又可以怎样为神活呢？在做FYP时的挫折感，人际关系的失败导致我对自己失去信心及自卑。我是个无用的人，没什么比人强比人好。在各个方面的失败让我对自己心灰意冷，没脸见上帝，更无法为神做大事。我想起在宣教营时向神立的约，但我真的做不到。在生活上，我抽身而出，躲避不必要的露面机会，专注做FYP。

在一个偶然的机会下，我读到这节经文“不要爱世界和世界上的事。人若爱世界，爱父的心就不在他的里面了。因为，凡世界上的事，就像肉体的情欲、眼目的情欲，并今生的骄傲，都不是从父来的，乃是从世界来的。这世界和其上的情欲都要过去，惟独遵行神旨意的，是永远长存。”（约翰一书2：15-17）这节经文如针般刺进我心。的确，我现在的所做所为是爱世界。i) 肉体的情欲 - 因功课的忙碌导致身体疲累，进而省略灵修生活和事奉。我不是当以神居生命的首位吗？现在怎么忘记了神呢？ii)眼目的情欲 – 当我看见同学很拼命的做FYP，就会紧张，因为时间不多，又问题重重，几时才可以完成呢？另外，同学也开始积极找工或升学的机会，积极筹划自己的将来。我呢，对前途一片茫然，不知何去何从。基督徒不是该对神有信心吗？我对神的信靠去了哪儿？iii) 今生的骄傲 – 朋友都说我的成绩那么好，不怕找不到工作，不怕做不完FYP。我对自己的底子心里有数。成绩好可以代表一切吗？

我的眼睛只看到问题，却看不到神。我知道是时候处理这问题，但我就这样拖到新年。我觉得，在假期是我可以好好安静在神面前，反省悔改认罪。。。感谢主，我走了出来。感谢主，他是位慈爱且满有怜悯的神，愿意饶恕我的过犯，以他的宝血洁净我，使我再次与神和好。

回想这一切，觉得自己真的很不长进，也不懂怎么会有这么不好的思想。做了十几年的基督徒，领受了那么的恩惠，仍然还会忘恩、怀疑神。我真的需要心意更新，除去老我，追求圣洁得胜的生活。靠着那加给我力量的，我凡是都能做！

重拾心情，重新出发！

Storm

生活中总是充满着暴风雨，或大或小，或晴天或乌云满布。人总无法控制这些生活中每个境遇。是偶然的吗？是命运吗？基督徒却相信这一切都是出于神的旨意，为要磨练基督徒，试验他们对神的信心。我也不例外。

2008年有两个极大的风暴，那就是3月8日的政治大海啸和年终的经济风暴。后者影响老百姓最深。有些人面对公司裁员的危机，投资损失等。对于学生的我来说，这并没有对我带来极大影响。然而，在今年我会面对一个重大的风浪，那就是毕业后要工作的挑战。

我念的是宇航工程系。我喜欢一切有关飞机的事物。虽然我并没有掌握所有有关飞机的知识，但我只对这行有兴趣。听闻许多大专生没工作做，原因是他们太挑了。我这个心态是否也使很挑呢？毕业后要步入社会工作，可能需要做30多年，直到退休为止。难道我应该为了赚钱过活而随便找份工作做？那么我做工就只为了做工，生活又有什么意义呢？众所周知，这科系在大马是冷门的科目，工作机会也不高。若我不执著坚持要在这行发展，那么我就不担心有没有工作了。其实，我真的蛮担心我的未来。我不懂怎样去找有关这行的工，因为选择不多。通常工作展所提供的工作都不会有这行。

上个星期六，我去出席Petronas公司聘请员工前的笔试。那时，在DU还有其他公司的摊位，可以让我们去询洽。看到其他很积极的去尝试，开始有点为自己的前途焦虑。我知道神与我同在，我可以信靠他，因为我前方的路都在他的掌管中。然而，有时当我看环境不很理想，看自己的无能时，难免开始焦虑担心。感谢主，他的话永远是我力量的源头。

记得前几个星期的主日，讲员分享有关耶稣平静风和浪的比喻（可4：35-40）。当暴风浪来临时，门徒凭自己的经验能力来掌舵，结果失败来。最后在紧要关头才去找耶稣。耶稣醒来，斥责那风和浪，风浪就停止了。耶稣就是那么有能力。我们知道的，但很多时候却靠自己去解决问题，等到自己没办法了，才去找耶稣。当我们愿意放手，让主耶稣来掌舵，凭信心依靠他，必得着心里平安，也能够跨胜一切挑战。说很简单，但当我自己面对时要去行出来时就很难了。

坦白说，我对我的前途是迷茫，不知该往何处去，不知该做什么。然而，我有一位上帝是我可以倚赖的。我要把我的前途交托在他手中。过去他怎么带领我至今，以后他仍要继续带领我进入那应许之地，只要我完全信靠他，一点也不疑惑。“主，求你让我能定睛与你，不看环境，不看自己，乃仰望你。赐我信心，完全的相信你要向我施恩，赐我力量去跨越每个挑战。让我懂得顺服与你，更明白你的心意。”

暴风雨之后，天地将会恢复平静。这不是你我所响往的吗？不需惧怕暴风雨，因为风雨后就会有晴天。在神里面，我们是有盼望的。

Christmas in 2008

2008年的圣诞节如往常般的在教会度过。今年的圣诞对我来说，简单且有意义。

在大专的家庭聚会时，我们有分享到我们以往是怎么过圣诞的，圣诞节对我们来说有什么意义呢？在出席的弟兄姐妹当中，大部分都是从基督化家庭长大，从小就去教会（主日学）。圣诞节对儿童来说，是很开心的节日因为会收到许多礼物，也有丰富的食物可以享用。渐渐的长大了，就开始参与教会圣诞庆典的筹备工作，如练习戏剧和报佳音的诗歌，布置教会等，忙得不亦乐乎。很多弟兄姐妹希望有个轻松平静的圣诞节，不需那么忙碌，身体疲累；也有些人对圣诞节已麻木了，失去庆祝的意义。同样的圣诞歌每一年都重复的唱，主耶稣降生的大好信息每一年都同样地被传扬，圣诞的佳音从不改变，但人的心却很容易地变质了。

在圣诞节，我们忙碌地参与事奉是为了什么？举办圣诞晚会难道只为一时的欢乐而已？圣诞节是纪念主耶稣降生的日子。因他的到来，带来了生命永恒的盼望，亲自为世人的罪而死，但第三天却从死里复活，使凡信靠他的人得着永生。这就是圣诞节最大的意义。我们这些已经得着救恩这宝贵礼物的人，更应借此良机带领身边的亲朋戚友来认识主耶稣。基督徒庆祝圣诞节，因为主耶稣，人类的救主降生了，是个很开心值得欢庆的日子。

我喜欢圣诞节，虽然忙碌于圣诞筹备工作，我仍觉得很平安喜乐。那感觉是无法用言语来形容的。主耶稣的名也称为以马内利，意思是神与我们同在。这应许很美。有神与我同在，我还怕什么，顾虑什么呢？我真的很幸福哦，可以成为神的儿女，可以享受永恒的生命，将来还会与神在天堂里相会住在一起。你呢？

自从参加了宣教营和Life game后，我体验到传福音的重要性，尤其是你至亲至爱的人。因为我们不懂可以活到几岁，生命不在我们的掌控中。将来若我们上了天堂，他们则在地狱受苦时，已经太晚了。那要怪谁呢？

在圣诞节当晚，我的教会有举办圣诞晚会，主题是生命的钥匙。当晚的来宾很多，把圣殿给爆满了，座无虚席。我有邀请我的同学出席，然而最后一个也没来。可能是我不懂得怎样邀请他们，说服他们吧！当我看到其他弟兄姐妹可以带朋友来，很羡慕他们。我有听到见证说他在最后一分钟成功邀请他的朋友来参加这晚会，这真是奇迹。我想若非神在那人做感动的工作，他是不会改变心意出席的。那么，若邀请不到某人来参加是我们祷告不够多？说话没说服力？还是神的心意？我真的不知道。我有尝试去邀请，但还是召来拒绝。我已经不懂该怎么去邀请他们了，我的表达能力真的很有限。是我的个人见证不好吗以致无法请动他们？：（

无论如何，2008年的圣诞节已成为历史，无法改变。。。我不知还能够渡过几个圣诞节，让我们一起珍惜在地上传福音的机会。黑夜将到，白日将去。那时我们已无法再传福音了。当然，传福音不是要等到一年一度的圣诞节而已。每一天都是传福音的机会。

“我不以福音为耻；这福音是神的大能，要救所有相信的，先是犹太人，后是希腊人。” 罗1：16

Printer ink

My printer is run out of black ink recently. I do not refill it until today because i need to print some important notes to give my friend as part of my christmas gift.

After seeing my lecturer, about 12.45pm, i cycled out to Wei Pin to refill my printer ink. It is hot and i'm without any jacket to cover my arm from the hot sun. I talked to myself, just a while only. Have perseverance! When i reached there, i ask the seller. He said for this model of ink, it's not advisable to use needle injection to refill and there is no local ink which is cheaper. In other words, i need to buy an original ink which cost RM58. If i don't buy the ink, that means the printer can be thrown away. It's useless without ink. After much thought, i decided to buy since this is the only way. But my heart feel very painful. I never buy or invest any expensive good. Simple life will do for me. For His purpose, i should not be stingy. All i have is all given by Him. I just need to spend my money wisely. Now i know, it needs to pay some price in serving God. If what i do can win soul for God, it's worth for all

Bed vs cradle

Today, after sending Joshua to bus stop and back to hostel, something was happened in my hostel. They were changing our old bed with new bed. The workers took away our old bed, just left the mattress. I have been waiting for the whole afternoon for new bed because i was tired and really need a nap. Since today is Friday, the rest time is longer. I slept on my chair but the position was not right, then i slept by putting my head on table. Yet i didn't sleep well. Still feel very tired. End up i awoke to continue preparing worship lead tonight. When i left my room for dinner, the bed was outside the room. Only after i back from the home gathering, finally the new bed was installed. I did some cleaning work because it was dusty.

Christmas is just around the corner. We know that Jesus was born in the manger because the inn was full. Just imagine that a baby lies on the hay in the manger which is very smelly. It is not a good experience. We are too comfortable right now, living in good condition, even in hostel we have good bed to rest our head. However, Jesus, the newborn King did not have such comfort like us. Give thanks to God for all He gave us. Be content and grateful for all.

New slipper

This is my new slipper. Cute??? Haha.... My old one was broken during life game. I bought that during LI in KL. I know it's time to change my slipper with new one as its lifespan is due. Everything has their own lifespan. Some may be long but some may be short. No one knows the exact time it dies off. So we need to prepare a new one just in case the old one breaks down in emergency. However, we do not have second chance for life. When we breathe out our last breath, no new body can substitute us to continue the journey of life. We need to treasure every moment we have when we still alive especially live for God to the fullest. Those who have Christ in our life, we will have eternity with God. We do not have to afraid of death but we are accounted for what we do on Earth as one day we will be judged by God of what we have done. However, by God's grace and strength, we can do everything.

This new slipper makes me think back of a gift i receive during 1 January this year. Ya, it's this little pair of shoes. He told me that this shoes can remind me that God loves me everyday, every minute and every second. God will never forgot me though men will.


However, this shoes make me thinks of "tian lu" (journey of heaven) as shown in this picture.

This picture was on my softboard in my room last semester. There is a verse on it. It's a words from Jesus when He is going to be persecuted and cruxified. John 16:32b, "Yet I am not alone because the Father is with me." As we walk the journey of heaven, it's tough yet we do not need to be afraid because God is with us. The picture shows the shoes that Jesus wore. It reminds me about the shoes mention in the whole armor of God in Ephesians 6:15, "For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared." I should put on this shoes to share the Good News... God's hand is holding me tight. His hand is always bigger than mine. His is great and powerful. Who shall i afraid and why should i be afraid???

This shoes is shoes of God. I will only follow His steps, His plan and guidance. I don't know whether i will follow you wherever you go, but as we put God first i believe that everything will be in place. Let's follow the footprints of God which lead us to eternity and abundance life.